mailbox

She knew he was still alive. She passed his truck in the bar parking lot on her way home from the cemetery. Earlier, it was parked behind the practice in his usual spot. Before he bought the pickup, it was a pristine luxury sedan with vanity plates. She figured the truck was his midlife crisis. She’d never seen anything in the bed and after six years, there wasn’t a scratch on the body.

Crossing the short driveway, she scuffed to the mailbox and snapped it open and closed. Nothing. Years ago, she approached with anticipation, hope that he’d read her apology and sent a reply. At first she made excuses. The mail was slow. He didn’t have stamps. He was revising his letter. She checked the box three times a day, groping around in the back on cloudy afternoons, just in case she missed it.

She drove by his house, his practice, his hangouts, wondering what was keeping him. Watching him marry and raise his family, she decided he was punishing her. Bitterness kept her waiting for the expected rebuke, but it never came. The worst feeling was the knowledge he was aware of her existence and did nothing to make amends. How he must hate her now.

Before her mother passed away, she suggested maybe he hadn’t received the letter. Maybe something happened and it was never delivered. But she knew otherwise. He was getting his revenge. Visiting her mother today, she remembered the words, and wondered. Her mother had suggested writing again, or picking up the phone, or just stopping by the practice, for goodness sake. She wasn’t interested in goodness.

Curiosity lingered and she sat at her mother’s desk and rolled up the top. The drawer jammed and she loosened it with a kitchen knife, freeing a sealed envelope, which dropped to her feet. She kicked it aside and rummaged through the drawer, settling on stationery she had used as a girl, a monogram she’d never needed to change. There would be no apology this time, simply an inquiry as to his welfare. A polite missive. She placed the letter in the box and raised the flag. Tonight she would have a bit of ice cream with her pie. Her mother would be proud.

Five Acres

flash fiction Comments Off
Jun 222009

nakedalpaca

The pasture sloped gently before him, fruit-laden autumn branches bouncing glimpses of snow-capped peaks. He toed the soil and sat, twisting an alfalfa sprig between his fingers. Nettie, the dog-brained alpaca flopped down beside him for a rub. She was the last of the livestock and spent her days close to the farmhouse.

He had cultivated the land with dreams of generations, posterity and promise. Josh and Cameron kept to their city skyline views now. Neither seemed destined for seed or soil. He lifted the single picket, squaring the crooked cardboard to the horizon, winking condos brushed in place, layered over red barns, river, and mountains. Lowering the sign in optimism, he pictured a small farmhouse and yard full of children.

He raised his weight on creaky knees and waved at Midge in the kitchen window. She blew a kiss as he walked down the gravel drive, balancing mallet and sign. When he reached the tall grass near the main road, he cleared a space and hammered the picket home.

purples

She was absolutely normal. She grew up without a dad, but so did they. They crushed her pansies down with shoes she couldn’t name, right heels rubbed commuter raw. There was nothing to envy in those jacket-wrapped silk-satin shells. Her life was exactly what she wanted. The earth accepted her gifts, returning favors with blossoms and symmetry. Each morning, she stepped from her patio into her temporal office, pruning thoughts and whetting desire.

Her mother asked, “When are you going to grow up? You’re 34 years old and you still live in an apartment alone. How are you going to find a man when you’re covered in dirt and smell like a farmer?” A man. She had one once. Once was enough. Those women in stockings wilted in mailroom scowls and swimming pool anxiety. Moist skin hid molding despair and regret. There was no jealousy in her coveralls of invisibility.

Her patio blooms mocked pale waxed handbags, scarves, decapitated cherry bubbles. They left in bouncing curls and limped home at night with gray pencil men, ghosts with heads of numbers. Transactions traded figure for figure then burst for winter’s frost. Painting pastel paths, her living colors on flesh taunted theirs chafed dead under layers. She worked in soil unsoiled and watched the others swallowed by worms.

redbarnclouds

The sky was definitely yellow, but the time for agreement had passed. She stepped back through the sliding door, still eyeing the courtyard below. “Did you take out the recycling?” She heard the truck a few buildings down and spun to face him. He wasn’t looking.

He spent more time erasing than drawing. The rubber crumbs doubled in reflection on the dining table, the one piece of real furniture she owned. She unearthed the brush from his satchel and thrust it under his nose. He accepted it without looking up and swept the crumbs onto the carpet.

He noticed the sky, or a spider web, or a crack in the ceiling, but she was invisible. She collected the recycling and dropped it near the front door while he labored over his final project. Six years. She worked and paid the bills while he fattened himself on knowledge.

She changed into her uniform, saffron sky parching bitter lines in the bedroom mirror. Dust scuttled as she slung the drapes across the track, willing the sky black. He was smoking on the patio again. He smiled and told her she looked pretty. Pretty. Pretty enough to scrub some rich guy’s toilet. She glared and stomped to the kitchen.

His drawing spread tempting on the table, now clear of crumbs. Finish spray moistened the dark secrets of the body he created from living dreams. He lived while she stood in decay. She surged with power, knowing his weakness. Testing the moment, she spoke, “You’re right. The sky is yellow.” The truck choked and bellowed as it passed.

The sky darkened when she left. He stuffed his satchel and stripped the pillows of their cases. Cramming clean clothes in one case and books in the other, he debated nothing. He squeezed onto the old pickup bench with his accumulated years beside him. The recycling truck ground its way back again as the wind whipped garbage across the courtyard.

In a slice of clarity, he braved the storm and returned to the apartment. He wrested the key from the ring and plunked it down on the wilted drawing. Swinging the recycling bag over his shoulder, he walked away without closing the door. Dark wind swiped his burden and splayed the contents across the disappearing pavement. Entombed in the truck, he lurched through the parking lot, impotent headlamps challenging speed bumps and swirling debris. A potted cactus rushed at the windshield and he held his breath, eyes open. In the quiet of that moment, the dregs parted. He exhaled and drove from the screeching menace and into the yellow sky.

Then he remembered. He returned and removed the key, placing it on the table next to the prone body. He swung the recycling and left the front door open. Wind swiped his burden and splayed it across the disappearing pavement. Entombed in the truck, he lurched through the parking lot, impotent headlamps challenging the speed bumps and swirling debris. A potted cactus cracked the windshield and he held his breath. In the quiet of that moment, the dregs parted and revealed the yellow. He exhaled and drove away from the screeching menace.

May 172009

IMG_6726

On parallel paths, they pulsed through the thickening crowd. Swirls of light and color gave rhythm to the coarse, moonless night. She marched toward a dream, glancing off elbows and shoulders, spinning in distraction, but not losing sight of her target. The purple tent in the foothills of the great machines promised forbidden wonders. The center pole stretched deceptively high, limp streamers glinting silver, then gold, now silver again as the spotlights passed.

He moved his foggy form through the bodies, not touching, not seeing, but sensing proximity. For him, there was no destination, only escape. He did not run, because there was no fear of pursuit. He just moved, deeper into the crowd, into his head. A thousand lights captured his scowl and he didn’t seek cover of shadows. Instead, he pocketed sweaty hands, fingering stones and willing belief.

She reached the pavilion, surprised to see no others waiting to discover their future. The ground was flat, littered with popcorn and popped balloons. She reached for the flap, slowing fingers as nerve melted. A voice invited, “Welcome,” and she halted, turning an about-face. She looked at the crowd before her, faceless swarms, backs turned intent on shared experience.

He looked up as he moved, noting faces, empty expressions, neither pained, nor satisfied. They moved in the opposite direction, seemingly of their own free will, parallel, but not together. Who were these people and why were they here? Why did they choose the heat, lines, noise and frights, instead of peace at home? He slowed and watched them move.

She spun back around, rejecting the crowd and entering the tent to find it surprisingly light. The woman seated before her on the ground, seemed peaceful surrounded by a rainbow of jeweled satin pillows. Spying the fishbowl, the girl unfolded her last dollar and placed it in the bowl, surrendering herself on a jade pillow. “Your first time?” The woman seemed to grin as she spread the stones on the dirt before her.

“Yes.”

“You’re not supposed to be here.”

“I know. I mean, how do you know?”

She definitely laughed this time. “I’ve been doing this a long time. I can always tell.”

The woman asked her to touch the stones, as many as she wanted. She hesitated at first, and then tapped four stones with her index finger and clasped hands in her lap. The woman turned the stones over, two at a time, and arranged them in a cross, selecting two additional stones and then placing the rest in the bag. The girl fingered the gold crucifix at her throat.

As the woman spun a tale, weaving past and future, the girl’s shoulders began to shake, and tears splashed, mixing with dirt and stones. She asked no questions, but thanked the woman gracefully as she lifted the tent flap and stepped into the kaleidoscope. A sudden breeze broke the night and the flag streamers crackled and flashed. She stepped away from the crowd, clearing her mind.

He moved hastily now, leaving the human sea behind, his path blocked by a wooden wagon, displaying trinkets and treasures, both old and new. A breeze picked up and an amber teardrop spun, catching his attention. He reached for the jewel, but instead of the expected hardness, he grasped warm flesh, the fingers of the girl. Startled, she tried to withdraw, but he held tight. “Go ahead,” he smiled. “You saw it first.” She hesitated, then touched the pendant where it dangled, almost out of reach. He took it down and placed it in her hand, his composure now relaxed, hopeful.

She stroked it lovingly and met his eyes, the color of the stone in her hand. The vendor coughed, shuffling her feet and tapping the counter. He spoke, “You can take it. I’ll find another.”

“No, really. I was just looking. Thank you.” She placed it reluctantly in his palm and spun away, disappearing into the human sea. Stunned for a moment, he asked the vendor the price, and quickly paid. He clutched the warm stone in his hand and ventured into the sea after the girl, flowing into the bodies before him, becoming one of them.

collection

Chocolate. I tasted, then heard chocolate. “Are you sleeping? You never sleep.” The icy phone carried the buttery tones to my ear as my brain discovered the hand connected to my arm. It was James. Jolted awake, I summoned a groggy reply, “How’s your tomorrow?” He almost laughed and my skin warmed at the sound of his smile.

Celeste had given him my telephone number and itinerary. He worried the trip would interfere with my practice, and hinted at concern for my social life. The conversation flowed as if we had never parted. I swapped the phone from ear to ear as I prepared coffee. There was a hint of sadness in his voice, but we did not discuss his loss. There would be time.

His sunlight stayed with me through the day, as I made arrangements and negotiated with my partners. I found a retired colleague to fill in for me if needed, and I agreed to bring my laptop on the trip and to connect regularly. Despite the harried pace of my preparations, I felt a flowing lightness. It contained the bite of uncertainty, venturing new spring without a jacket, hopeful for warmth, yet willing to risk chill.

With only days before my departure, I met Anders and shared the news of my journey, and my worries about taking an extended leave. “Since when have you had family in France?” I felt a creeping flush, and hid behind my sandwich, chewing and considering his question. He knew I owned property there where I vacationed each summer. He knew no more and never asked. My “gift” seemed to encourage others to reveal everything, requesting nothing in return. I respected that, and understood the discomfort of disclosure. I offered morsels to maintain trust, but never felt the desire to insert my life into the existence of another.

“A close friend emergency. Family death.” He swallowed a response in scalding liquid and I continued, “I wish I could say more. Privacy, you know?” He knew. He dealt with it every day, but I’m sure he was still hurt that I wasn’t more open. He nodded, twisting the mug between his hands and his silence lured words from my lungs.

I spoke of Anthony, not James. I shared the personal failure that drove my professional passions, and revealed my fear that my ex-husband would seek me when he was released in a few months. Though he never served time for splitting my flesh and breaking my bones, transcripts of my emergency calls added drama to his high-profile trial. Twenty years was a long time to hold a grudge.

Anders, an expert at active listening, opened his posture and let me pace my story. I didn’t make eye contact or express emotion. I was talking about myself as if describing a case, disconnected. I slowly exhaled and he reached across the table for my hand, squeezing it once and releasing. “Maia, go on this journey. Things will be fine here. Really.” I tried to smile, seeking remnants of my morning sunshine. It was time to leave.

IMG_8317

She held the pen lightly between her fingers as she waited for the struggle in front of her to cease. Lips spread wide in a patient grin as the father winked in her direction and proceeded to wrench the slippery menu from the mouth and fingers of the baby in the high chair. A young girl with wires trailing from her head loudly belted the words of a pop tune. The mother was performing a crayon sweep in the mouth of a toddler who swung his head violently from side to side. “I think we need another minute,” the dad apologized.

She nodded and looked up to see her manager motioning from the reception desk. She moved to the front of the restaurant where the crowd of people was quickly overtaking the alley of parked strollers. Young patrons gave up their seats on the bench for the elderly, as the wait list continued to grow. Her manager informed her she needed to do her best to free the tables to accommodate the Mother’s Day guests as quickly as possible, suggesting take-out dessert when possible.

She tripped over a cane on the way back to the frustrated family, but didn’t lose her concentration. For three years, she had worked this shift, bringing home more tips than she could earn in several weeks waiting tables during the average lunch shift. She stood again before the family, remembering to blink a sparkle into her eyes as she took their orders and brushed off the repeated apologies. She next served a table with three generations of women, proud mothers and a young daughter, hopeful with swollen belly and flushed cheeks. They laughed as they finished their meal and she loathed the thought of rushing them to eat their cheesecake at home. With a pinched smile, she handed them the dessert menu, relieved they already knew what they wanted to share. No take-out today.

Rushing from table to order station, to the kitchen, to her manager, there was little time to reflect. If there had been, she would have become lost in the hurt of a day designed seemingly in ignorance of women like her, both motherless and childless. All her extra money from this, her second job, fueled her dreams of conception. For four years, she and her husband had tried to bring new life into their little family. Countless losses, painful treatments and decimated hopes should have broken her, but she remained hopeful. Miracles happened every day, even to people who didn’t deserve them. She deserved a miracle.

She helped elderly twins to a booth near the front of the restaurant and wondered about their children, who were not present. Were the pair here to celebrate, or was this just an average day? A baby cried from the back of the room, and her senses rebelled, even while her smile stretched wider and her voice remained calm. The harried family was now leaving, and she remembered the digital stick she had hidden in the restroom an hour before. How could she have forgotten? She delivered boxed and bagged desserts to tables, all with a friendly smile and casual stride. A sudden lull in the restaurant indicated the end of the rush. She noticed a mother in a booth nursing her blanket-draped baby. Removing her apron, she strode purposefully toward the back of the restaurant, anxious to read the digitized adjectives that would describe her future.

May 062009

IMG_6722

I had never been to the cottage in winter and my first thought was to wonder if the pond would be frozen. I was not ready to find meaning in his brief note. There was a part of me that rebelled against the idea of being summoned like this, without a phone call or explanation. I resented his assumption I would put my life on hold.

I read the letter again, analyzing each sentence and word, as he knew I would. I realized he had carefully chosen both the medium and the language in his message. He knew me, and how I would react without time to process the request on my own terms. If he had called, I would have rejected him, blinded by my own insecurities.

For a moment I considered the implications of taking an unexpected trip to Europe so soon after the holiday vacation. My partners were still trying to catch up with their work, and I had new patients with scheduled visits. I was involved in other community activities and there were people who depended on me. This was my life, the one I had built without him. Yet I could sense his urgency in each line.

I waited a few days before contacting the travel agency, and was surprised to find reasonable fares if I was willing to wait a few more weeks. My schedule was heavy during that time, and my head pounded just thinking of the effort it would take to rearrange it all. Emotionally, it was difficult to imagine parting with people I felt needed me. Logically, I knew they would be fine with my partners. I recognized my own ego and social needs interfering with the decision process.

There was no one I could ask for advice. I thought of Anders and his gentle voice and kind words of wisdom. I wondered how our relationship would change if he discovered this part of my life. No one knew. I had kept this hidden for so long, I couldn’t imagine revealing it now. It was another lifetime, a past full of treasured memories and hidden moments. I was alone.

May 062009

IMG_9743_2

He left the country before I completed my program. His wife, a painter of shadows, craved a more ethereal setting for inspiration. They did not want to raise their children in the California sunlight and school system. I was grateful he told me before the university announced his resignation, and I was not entirely surprised by the decision. He did not belong there, though his research efforts and dedication to students earned him international respect and admiration.

When we met for our final lunch at a little café off campus, he reminded me of our first connection, when he told me I had a gift. At that time, I was an undergraduate student, with aspirations of becoming a teacher, like my father and grandfather had been. He was the lecturer for two of my classes. For the first, a large introductory course, his assistants did most of the teaching, and we did not exchange a word. However, I found the subject matter interesting, and selected one of his experimental courses as an elective.

There were only nine students in the class and we held most sessions at pubs in the evening or on weekends. We discussed experimental practices in group therapy, based upon his research as well as our practical experience during the course. I had a hard time finding my voice in the sessions, preferring to listen and ask only a few leading questions. With this simple communication, I was able to engage the students as they opened up throughout the semester. After each meeting, I felt as if a fire had been lit inside me, licking its way to the surface, only to find nothing to feed it until the next class.

When I received my mid-term paper back from the professor, he had written a note that I should arrange to meet with him at my convenience. We met at his office and he told me I had a gift, and that I was pursuing the wrong career. He felt I would be an excellent educator, but that I had a calling as a therapist, that people opened up to me because I was able to respond to the things they were not saying aloud. He offered me a research assistantship and forever changed the course of my life.

Looking back now, I realize life doesn’t actually have a course. Anything I had done at that time would have changed the course of my life. He reached me at a time when I was hurting, and possibly searching for something to mask the pain. He made the transition easy for me, and I adapted well to my new path. He quickly discovered my weaknesses, though he was not immediately adept at negotiating them.

When he left, I became fully absorbed in my clinical studies, completing my work early and joining a small practice in California. He returned for a visit after a year away and contacted me to meet. At the café that day, he handed me a large envelope, keeping his hand closed over the seal. He explained the cottage was in my name, and I could safely live there in peace, though likely would not be able to pursue my career. He spoke quickly, as if he was afraid of my response. Before I had a chance to reply, he told me his wife and children would be gone for three weeks each summer, returning to the States to visit family. He thought I might consider spending summers at the cottage.

Apr 282009

IMG_8151

There was a letter waiting for me when I arrived home Friday evening. I casually tossed the pile of mail on the counter and didn’t remember it until Saturday morning. When it slipped from the stack of bills and advertisements, I immediately knew the origin. I held it gently, tracing my name on the front in soft, yet confident script. Clutching the envelope to my chest, I called the office and left a message that I would not be able to attend the morning meeting.

He had never written before, but I knew the handwriting well. It had not changed in all these years. I took the letter where I could sit with a view of the bay, and breathed in the scent before carefully breaking the seal. The letter was succinct, but I could read the restrained emotion in his terse words.

Little One,
I am alone. Melinda passed away unexpectedly in November and the children have now returned to the States. Celeste is preparing your cottage. A new stove has been installed. I think you will find it cozy and inviting. Please do not wait for summer.
Yours

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