Neatly Pressed

Posted by under fiction

Inspiration for my forthcoming #fridayflash story. on Twitpic
Not Pregnant. She shook the digital stick and the extraneous word held steady. Blink. Still there. Christopher! Shocking green tape hid shattered glass, evidence of Monday’s departure. He ignored her messages, thinning now after five days of reality.

He had laughed, at first, stretching his naked toes through the wooly bathroom rug. Fingers perfected each glistening strand before he glimpsed her tearful reflection, and called her a liar. She produced the stick with the blue lines, then the package instructions.

Their lives juggled sizzling into a vanilla bathroom baggie, tied and tied and bagged again as his acid words stripped raw her dewy skin. Words from walls on needle-strewn streets found canvas on sweating suburban marble as he dressed without missing a button. She bled for comfort but did not bleed. The bag jiggled limp in his purpling fist as he crashed the door open, splintering lead and antique glass.

She touched her tearless eye now and crouched on the foyer steps, frozen at the turning lock. “Peaches! I’m back,” came the comforting voice she craved, “what the heck happened to the door?”

34 Thoughts.

  2. Some powerful and evocative imagery once more Jen. I love the little details like the toes stretching on the bathroom rug or the description of her skin as dewy. So many deft little images. And the last paragraph threw the whole thing open for me. I have my own idea of what has happened here, not sure if it is what you intended, but not sure that matters either. Only 183 words but each one chosen with care and attention. Great flash.

    • Dan, I definitely had particular roles in mind for the characters, but when I look back now, I can see how there could be a number of different relationship scenarios here. I like making people question their own values ;)

  7. I’m glad you commented on my story, or I might have missed your wonderful work given here. How concise yet emotion-laden. I love best the sentence “Words from walls on needle-strewn streets found canvas on sweating suburban marble as he dressed without missing a button.” Vivid! Thank you for enhancing my day :)
    Oh! And I like the photo that goes along with the story. Nice touch. Sad though, about the lovely old glass.

    • CJ, I’m glad I found your work too! That photo is of my back door. My landlord says someone threw a full beer bottle through the glass and it was a disaster to clean up. It hasn’t been repaired because he’s having difficulty finding the right craftsperson to do the work. We will probably end up removing the door and replacing it until that one can be repaired.

  8. Wow, Jen, I think this might be the most powerful piece of yours that I’ve read. So fully charged with raw emotion and vivid imagery. “Words from walls on needle-strewn streets found canvas on sweating suburban marble as he dressed without missing a button. ” Makes me really hate this guy. The last line leaves me a bit puzzled, (were there one or two men in her life?) but I suspect you may have wanted it that way. Really nicely done.
    ~jon

    • Thanks, Jon. The more I wrote, the more I hated him too. There are two men, but I’m not going to share what their roles are. You’ll have to use your own conscience for that!

  10. Jen, you are so tricky. I read and reread to make sure I didn’t accidentally miss something. I love you work, and this story is amazing.

    ~2

    • 2, I wouldn’t be me, if I didn’t add a few tricks. The thing is, the tricks are in your head. You get to make it up :)

  11. This seems more like poetry or prose maybe than fiction, so beautiful and precise in its details. That said….what an ass. LOL Lots of passion and human frailty packed in this baby, wonderful. Will be looking forward to reading more from you. :-)

    • Shannon, I hear a lot that it’s poetry, but I still play the fiction game. Hope they don’t kick me out! To me, it’s just a story.

  16. Stunning and lyrical. This is a story well worth re-reading, over and over. You’ve crafted a fine piece that is evocative and open to interpretation by the reader. Excellent job.

    • Netta, I’m glad you appreciated it. I like letting the reader make choices. I usually write a lot more than ends up in the final version. I just write a story, and then delete as much as I can so the reader can make it their own.

  18. I enjoy your artistic use of language. What happens is secondary, for me, to how the characters are navigating – physically and emotionally – what happened.

    • Judy, thank you so much for sharing. I had never even thought of it from that perspective. It really makes me see things differently.

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