I had never been to the cottage in winter and my first thought was to wonder if the pond would be frozen. I was not ready to find meaning in his brief note. There was a part of me that rebelled against the idea of being summoned like this, without a phone call or explanation. I resented his assumption I would put my life on hold.
I read the letter again, analyzing each sentence and word, as he knew I would. I realized he had carefully chosen both the medium and the language in his message. He knew me, and how I would react without time to process the request on my own terms. If he had called, I would have rejected him, blinded by my own insecurities.
For a moment I considered the implications of taking an unexpected trip to Europe so soon after the holiday vacation. My partners were still trying to catch up with their work, and I had new patients with scheduled visits. I was involved in other community activities and there were people who depended on me. This was my life, the one I had built without him. Yet I could sense his urgency in each line.
I waited a few days before contacting the travel agency, and was surprised to find reasonable fares if I was willing to wait a few more weeks. My schedule was heavy during that time, and my head pounded just thinking of the effort it would take to rearrange it all. Emotionally, it was difficult to imagine parting with people I felt needed me. Logically, I knew they would be fine with my partners. I recognized my own ego and social needs interfering with the decision process.
There was no one I could ask for advice. I thought of Anders and his gentle voice and kind words of wisdom. I wondered how our relationship would change if he discovered this part of my life. No one knew. I had kept this hidden for so long, I couldn’t imagine revealing it now. It was another lifetime, a past full of treasured memories and hidden moments. I was alone.
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