Yesterday was absolutely gorgeous and I took my son for a walk. The sentence sounds so simple, but the action is not. I left my job five months ago to be a stay-at-home-mom and have spent those months inside and in pajamas. Just the thought of leaving the house and potentially having to relate to another person face-to-face is enough to keep me trapped inside with a stir-crazy toddler for another season. I am fine with activities where I can hide behind errands or headphones. I can do the coffee shop, grocery store or library. I can talk to people in passing. It’s the leisure places that scare me. To me, the thought of sitting at a park talking to another mother, is stifling.
It isn’t that I’m scared of people. I’m scared of words, or lack of words. Online I don’t have to have those awkward first meetings. Online I socialize with people in spaces where we’re already talking about things that interest us. It doesn’t matter what I do for a living, where I live, or how my children perform. Online, I can read all about a person before I start talking to them. I can find out if they’re mean or gossipy. I can choose my friends. Maybe I am not afraid after all. Maybe I am spoiled.
Jen,
what a beautiful site you have! I just wanted to say that I understand completely. I have been suffering from some kind of agoraphobia recently, making it hard to go out, but I feel like I have such a supportive online community I don’t actually need to leave the house.. or, as you say, “outside” just isn’t as supportive, just doesn’t “get” me. Is that a good thing? Is it something to do with the Internet? I don’t know. But while leaving the house makes me anxious, I am very grateful for my online friends.
Tania, thanks for the compliment
Do you think it’s bad for us to prefer online friends? I traveled to meet many of mine last year. I just have such strong hesitation to meet people in person these days. I imagine it’s not a very healthy model for my children.
Wow! Thanks so much for sharing your secret. It is so amazing to find that other people have been feeling the same way I have about feeling vulnerable when going “outside” and meeting people. I had several experiences last year with close friends and family that really shook me up and have made me quite protective of my heart I guess. I love the layout of your site as Tania mentioned, clean and makes things easy to read. I am looking forward finding out where your internal explorations have lead you.
I kind of get this phobia, or whatever you want to call it. I’ve been an involuntary stay at home mom since June. My kids are school-age so I spend most days alone. I’ve become something of a hermit and cherish my days alone. Even before that though, making small-talk with moms with whom I had nothing in common was painfully awkward and a waste of precious time.
I don’t think I really expected any comments on this post. I’m very interested that others are feeling the same. After meeting with a friend yesterday, I recognized another barrier in my face to face friendships. When I’m online, I have time to compose my thoughts, and go back through what I’ve said previously. In person, I’m inconsistent, I lose my train of thought and I contradict myself. Then I feel insecure and walk away wondering if I’ve said anything at all. Yesterday I told my friend I had no ‘self.’ I told her I left it on the Internet.
I’m not sure if you feel the same, but I felt like I completely lost my identity when I stopped working. In my professional life I was successful, confident, made decisions, etc. Once that ended, I didn’t know who I was anymore.
I think that’s a huge part of what I am experiencing right now, but it is also combined with this liberation of not being tied to the values of an organization and the guilt that I feel being lucky enough to not have to work.
Your post and the conversation following certainly makes me think.
And raises some questions in my mind.
Lots, actually – because I can’t help being curious!
A couple of them are:
Are you sure it’s about saying “something”? Or was there something else shared that had nothing to do with a conclusion or an absolute? Is it possible that it’s about the process, in which case a contradiction, some inconsistency and a lost train aren’t bad things? (they’re just part of the learning process…)
The other one I wrote about here: http://www.iwasthinking.ca/2009/03/30/more-than-words/
Because my thoughts were getting too long for a comment!
PS – I think that you’re the exact opposite of having no “self” – you shine, my friend. You absolutely shine!